As important as it is to embrace chaos and spontaneity, sometimes I need to write some basic things that I need to take care of and plant them on the fucking wall. Look at it. Do it. Stop posting shiet on facebook & twitter. Get engaged with the real world and take care of what needs to be done. This also means stop staying up at 3am, mindlessly staring at the computer, soaking up million bits of useless info that will be discarded minutes later.
Here’s to fucking change. And to making a damn checklist.
Did you hear about the rose that grew
from a crack in the concrete?
Proving nature’s law is wrong it
learned to walk with out having feet.
Funny it seems, but by keeping it’s dreams,
it learned to breathe fresh air.
Long live the rose that grew from concrete
when no one else ever cared.
“The Rose That Grew From Concrete” is the name of this beautiful little poem that was written by Tupac Shakur, a rapper who many may not have known that he was a prolific poet as well. I read this poem in his poetry collection back during my sophomore year of college and to this day, it has been one of the most inspiring poems that have shaped my determination to succeed in what I set myself out to do.
For most of my life, I have been surrounded by “you can’t”, “you won’t make it”, and “you’re not that special” folks. Folks who regarded me with neglect & silence to my existence and my dreams. They have come from people like my father, some of my high school teachers, and even some of my friends. Now, I can honestly say that I would not be where I am without them and so I thank them as much as the people who have believed in me. And just like this poem, my stubbornness pushed me through the concrete to be where I am now, living my dream and making money from it. Obviously, the room to improve is infinite and so there’s no room to be complacent but I am extremely thankful for everything I have accomplished in my life so far and the people that I cherish and love dearly.
So this post is for Tupac as June 16th marks his birthday. Happy birthday to a true legend, a beautiful poet, and a role model for people like me to keep pushing through our own concrete so that we may breathe fresh air and be the rose that we were meant to be.
I woke up this morning feeling like a deflated balloon, an Eeyore you could say. Each step was 10 pounds too heavy, each breath of air was an effort. The world just seemed slower and I just drifted here and there.
This is a dangerous mood to be in because when left unchecked, it can turn into something quite destructive. It is here that one must keep themselves busy, no matter how strong the urge may be to just sit around and not do anything. I believe in situations like these that production is the basis of morality. This is something my acting teacher would say at my acting school but I know it easily applies to people who are not actors.
So against my deflated stubborness, I get myself to be busy throughout the day, to see people and engage myself with them 100%. It was a day that saying “yes” was crucial, even if I didn’t feel like it.
And boy, did I not regret it.
New sights were explored and experienced. Stories to be told. A new favorite hangout spot to now have fun at. All because I was willing to say yes when a friend asked me at 10pm if I wanted to go out, even when I didn’t feel like it. The adventure didn’t stop there though.
My night ended with a 2nd hit & run I experienced in my life when I was with my friend and a new friend as we were waiting for a parking spot near 2am in Koreatown for some tasty 24 hour Korean food. As we were waiting, a car behind us backs out his spot and collides into my back bumper. We get out of the car and then we see the car driving away. Not to be content with a motherfucker like that, I chased the fucker down on foot, T-1000 style, while my friend got his license plate and his car model. When I got to the driver, I ended up going so fast before I stopped that I tore off the driver’s side view mirror. Ignoring the mirror hanging off on its side, I looked straight at the driver and told him matter of factly that I got his license plate and it would be wise for him to stop. He simply responded “OK” (with his Asian girlfriend in the car giving me a blank stare) and drove off into the distance.
I’m standing there a bit dumbfounded since one would think it would be much more convenient to exchange driver information instead of driving off and end up committing a hit & run felony. I was also dumbfounded by all the loitering Koreans that were watching this happen and just stood theThis occasion also marked the first time I ended up having to call 911 in my life.
I am certainly not a dancer by any sensible definition but I certainly love to dance. Dancing without any restraints, without any care for the world and its petty things, whether it be on the club dance floor, the ballroom, your living room, or in the car stuck in traffic, there is no exhilarating satisfaction quite like the feeling you get when you shake everything loose and just
Typically a syndrome of the young and the restless (no connection to the CBS soap opera) is that we feel inspired that we need to do everything all at once. We want stability, financial wealth, happiness, a dog that breathes fire, and so on and so on. But unfortunately, when we try to do everything, we end up doing absolutely nothing and become extremely upset about it.
“What are my accomplishments that I have made so far? Have I made any in my life?”
There was a time where I used to ask this to myself on a constant basis and drove myself crazy with depression by doing so. It made me question my self worth excessively, especially when I compare myself to others who have done it better, faster…others who have done more in a less period of time.
Similar to how it is best to think of one’s journey as a marathon, and not a race, it is also important to take pride in every single victory you have achieved, big or small. If life’s journey is like climbing Mount Everest, be proud that each day you have climbed this high. Even if you only climbed 100 ft for that one day, that’s 100ft more than what you did the previous day. Even if you find yourself stumbling back, whether by your own doing or that of fate, the biggest victory is that you have decided not to give up or descend down to the ground.
We often believe that steps for success has to be relevant to our career or monetary/influence worth. That is not the case. Because if all of your fancy titles, the number of popular tv shows you were on, and everything of these matters were stripped away from you, what do you have left? It is here that most of us will believe that we have nothing, that we ARE nothing. It is here that we believe wee are only the sum of our tangible successes and contributions we make to society.
So what riches can we give when we have nothing to offer that is tangible? That is where each and every one of us have our unique treasures. Some of us have the innate ability to make everybody in the room smile. Others have the burning desire to question and are constantly compelled to seek the truth. Our family. Our friends. The ones we can depend on when we stumble and fall…these amazing people are also part of the foundation that you must be thankful for. These are the gifts we often neglect because we feel they are worth nothing celebrating. It’s certainly not an Oscar or a Grammy or a $1 million paycheck.
But when we can depend on our very essence as the foundation to why we are worth celebrating, then everything can build from there.
Earlier, I spoke that there is an artist that lives inside all of us but within that statement lies the uncomfortable fact that many of us don’t want to express anything because we hold so much within ourselves. Heartbreaks, misery, depression, rage, loss, all of these burdens we keep within ourselves. There is the great value in confiding with our loved ones, for those who understand the undeniable truth that no human being can live with so much heaviness in their heart.
Sometimes, letting others know of our pain is not enough. Sometimes, the pain is so great that words do it no justice. Sometimes, it needs to come out in a lion’s roar, a ferocious dance, a possessed violin solo, or in a film where one can transform that burning energy into something positive.
But what if the things we hold within ourselves are the things we are most afraid of? Beyond just extreme emotions, what if they are repressed memories, memories of our past that we are not too proud about? The aspects of ourselves that if others knew, they would call us a monster or a psychopath? Should we keep those within ourselves, always afraid of the darkness that lies within us?
I believe that the greatest strength lies in being honest about our weaknesses. Strength comes from the ability to express our deepest flaws…our darkest demons that we hold at bay. When we can make peace with our demons, when we can embrace them as being one of the defining forces that shape who we are as individuals, that is expression at its finest.
Expression, especially when dealing with the darker colors in our lives, can come out extremely raw. We all like to think that art is clean and refined and while there is a place for that, I find it infinitely more interesting when I can literally see the blunt edges and the imperfections. Of course, as time goes by, you can take that mass and chisel it but it is crucial to accept that the ability to express the things we hold tight within ourselves is a tremendous victory and a beautiful one at that as well.
I say all of these things because I have found salvation in letting myself go and all of the bad experiences I’ve had throughout my life. It came in the form of spoken poetry and instead of explaining it, I will show it:
Several years in the making with this piece shown being the final version, I have been blessed to show the various versions through people who were willing to listen and contribute. We think there isn’t anyone out there who will care, but believe me, there are. And they can come from places you least expect.
To this day, I feel like I am growing younger even though my body is growing older. Art, expression, these are the things that truly can make one’s soul be forever young and vibrant.
So the demons you put at arm’s length…I dare you to give them a hug. Hear them out. Hear what they have to say and you in return, express it. Put all fears aside and be bold to be vulnerable. You will be very much surprised at how many people will be going through the same things you are 🙂
When I was kid, I was forced to play the violin (an unfortunate case found in many Asian kids) and for the most part, I hated it. Especially in the first 3 years of learning, I would always move the minutes hand a slight degree on my violin teacher’s clock hand each time when she was out of the room to go to the restroom or get some tea (or me making up some request to have bread or whatever). This continued on for another 5 years as I was (strongly) encouraged to join the middle school orchestra. It was fun, but really, I stayed because the girls were pretty to look at.
When I moved to Korea for high school, my mom wanted to keep up the training. They got me a violin teacher, a rather dainty (but very pretty) woman who would have a hard time trying to get me to practice. For the longest time, it would be extremely difficult to get me to practice anything over and over, let alone understand the meaning of taking things slow and embracing patience.
Okay before I wind this into a long story of my history with the violin…long story short, I abandoned playing the violin.
It was only recently that I decide to pick it up again, after being inspired by my acting class that an actor should reinvigorate any forgotten forms of expression they used to do. Slowly but surely, my hatred of playing the violin soon transformed into love and now, it gives me the greatest solace and comfort every time I play.
I believe this applies just as strongly to anyone who is not an actor. I don’t believe it when people say to me that they are not artistic or expressive enough…if you feel emotions, the kind that just wants to burst out, whether it be happiness, rage, or sadness, you are an artist simply because in the struggle we all find ourselves in lies the potential for the artist to express the complexity that is our lives. It may not happen immediately to some, it may take years for others, but when we reach the point where words fail us…that, that is when the magic happens.
Expression in these artistic forms is something to cherish because they show what words cannot. Acting is only a tiny aspect of what expression, the full extent of it, can truly be. Whether it be painting, drawing, writing poetry/prose/novels, dancing, singing, or playing any sort of instrument, I strongly believe that each and every one of us have talents (that we have abandoned long ago), or a desire to express something but have never taken the first step
I totally understand those who are afraid to take the first step. Expression is hard, especially because once you do, you are exposed to the world and whatever hurtful things they may fling upon you. It is, after all, so much easier to not express anything and to burrow our heads in our monotonous everyday lives.
But who can honestly say they have lived a full, satisfactory life by playing it easy?
A friend showed me a writer/director’s website today and as I checked it out, I noticed this artist made a lot of self-made productions which includes shorts, features, and documentaries. In his biography, he states that he’s been making films since he was 14 and therefore he has been doing this for over a decade. I decide to check out his latest projects, to see how far his growth has become, and instead I became utterly disappointed at what little progress there was.
It is important to say and acknowledge that it’s hard to write and direct a film in the first place and for anybody who actually puts one out there, that is an achievement in itself. But I strongly believe that we must be the harshest critics to our own works and be willing to listen to others who point out critical points. Yes, it’s something we naturally don’t want to hear because after all, creating something in this world is akin to your own baby. You become instinctively defensive when anybody says anything that isn’t a glowing praise. But if we can push aside our pride and let our thoughts have an open, clear channel, we can grow to so much more.
Going back to the film maker, I don’t know the full story and perhaps there is more than meets the eye, but to me, 10 years is a long time. 10 years is more than enough time to not only put your product out there, but to learn from others, to learn from the BEST, to research, to do everything in your power to be better than what you were before. When your growth is not that much different from when you first started in that time period, you are clearly doing something wrong.
I think this can apply to folks that are not film makers, but people who wish to excel in any trade they are in. There is so much beauty in the ability to be humble and to always remind yourself that you can always be better. Even when you think you reached the top, go higher. Be a student of learning always and never stop.
What is really one of the consequences of taking pleasure in pissing my own people off is that it also bleeds into pissing people off in general, especially your friends. Earlier last week I had the misfortune of making a lame joke at the cost of a friend’s reputation and thought for the most part it was harmless. I, being the loud jester that I am, keep on forgetting that a woman takes things much more seriously than a man when you put her reputation on public blast, even if it was just a joke or something outlandish that nobody would take seriously.
So yeah, I did just that. I knew right away from her comment that she was mad so I texted and called right away to apologize. After about 20 minutes of apologizing and realizing the error of my ways, it seemed that, at least for the most part, several things have been patched up and things are on its way for our friendship to resume (even though I will continue to make amends). Later that week, a mutual friend would come to inform me that this is not the case and that even our friendship is in jeopardy. “All a woman has is her reputation and if you destroy that, she has nothing”, this friend would say.
I won’t lie, I did kind of freak about this when I heard what was coming out of this mutual friend’s mouth. So basically, the friend I pissed off is STILL pissed off at me even though it sounded like things were very well on its way to recovery. That even our FRIENDSHIP is in jeopardy. Eventually, I decided to let it go.
Several days roll by and I see my friend perchance last night. As she was saying hi to my other friends that were present, I could immediately tell my greeting would be a most reluctant one. You know that feeling when there’s this deep yucky tension drifting in the air between you and the one that you have spited? Yeah, that was there. Sure, we did our polite talk but I quickly asked her if she was still mad at me. She said yes and then I joked that our mutual friend said that we weren’t friends anymore. There was a pause and then she responded lightly: “Well, at least we’re Facebook friends.”
Wait, what? My smile drops immediately from my face and I asked her if she was serious. She then gently pats me away and said we’ll talk about it. I didn’t return the courtesy of saying goodbye as I actually got mad at this whole communication exchange.
Before I go any further, for those of you wondering what she was still pissed off about, I basically made a joke on the good ol’ Facebook about certain type of women who have no mental stability. I then included her as a tag in the following comment along with several other women. Okay when I actually type this out now, it sounds horrible even to me at this point and even I wouldn’t want to continue being friends with the person who made a potentially devastating facebook unfunny joke blast. Ugh.
I don’t like having friends that are pissed off at me. Then again, nobody does.
You know what I cannot stand?! Friends who do not keep in touch, return phone calls, or make any active effort to see how you’re doing. Other friends excuse this with: “Oh, you know s/he is just really flaky and gets so stressed out about his/her own life, just forgets to pick up his/her phone or keep in touch…but s/he loves and cares about you.” No. That’s BS. There is a certain threshold– beyond which that excuse becomes just that: a pathetic excuse. And then when you run into those “friends” in real life, they try to pick up from where they left off… Please. Give me a break. There are very clearly defined basic standards and expectations in every friendship, every relationship. After a certain point, flakiness or amnesia translate into disappointment and hurt feelings. – Shay
A friend of mine wrote this on my wall and I thought it was too good to just let it sit there. This entry is a continuation of my first entry for HanSarang Thoughts but from the specific angle of friends who don’t make time for you despite their words that tell you otherwise.
I gotta be real though, I know I can’t complain about this without being a hypocrite. I’m also pretty guilty of neglecting my friends and not getting back to them in a timely fashion. I used to rant how I don’t understand when friends can’t even send me an email, text, facebook wall message, or anything but then find myself being unable to do it as well. We truly do have a subconscious ranking system of which people in our lives are more important than others and no matter how much we argue with ourselves that we wouldn’t do such a thing, it’s just a plain fact.
But due to recent circumstances involving a friend who passed away, it becomes a priority that I do everything I can to respond back to people in a timely manner and to make more of an effort to be a real human being, in the sense that I go beyond just leaving a message on their Facebook wall. To at least take the initiative of calling them, hanging out, and be present in the moment with them. However, I realize soon enough that not everybody is on the same plane as I am and I can end up being disappointed quickly when others don’t return the favor or flake out on me entirely.
In this life though, I fully believe that it is best to give and keep on giving. While it’s important to look out for yourself as well and take care of your needs, you give love to the world and keep on giving, no matter how frustrating, disappointing, or upsetting it may be when it is not returned back to you all the time. To do this without any form of resentment is a truly difficult goal that will take years for me to even accomplish, due to my greed and pride issues that I have mentioned before.
I must always remember that nothing comes easy in life though, especially when it means something to me. The struggle, the fight, the hardships; these are what makes the value of success truly worth earning.
HanSarang Poetry 