HanSarang Thoughts #1: Greed & Pride

I remember everybody that comes in and out of my life. If there’s an avarice that can be attached to that, it would be Greed because secretly, I just want to have it all. I want to have your attention, your friendship, and your loyalty. I want the world and its people to communicate with me so if some bad juju goes down, I want us to at least talk about it and see what we can do about it.

Clearly, this never pans out because reality will give me anything but that. Most definitely there will be a few that you can count on but even so, situations happen where you are no longer certain who or what to trust. Sometimes, when a good friend becomes hostile to me or drops me out of their life for no reason and doesn’t bother to communicate with me, I am most aggravated by this. How dare you do that to me without talking to me? Just who the hell do you think I am?? (Gurren Lagann reference, for all the anime dorks out there).

This then leads to another avarice which I know I have and that is Pride. Not as in the kind where I am better than everybody but the kind that gets infuriated when people decide to be a complete bitch for no reason and not talk to me about it. I demand to know why you think I was that insignificant to be treated in such manner.

I have to then step back and constantly remind myself the world doesn’t revolve around me. That when bad juju like this happens, people will not always make it a priority to tell a single human being why they’re not worth their time anymore. In the acting business I am in, they say that no answer is an answer.

I guess it happens far too often in matters like friendship and relationships, not just in auditions and job opportunities. But truly, I wish it didn’t because if there was an investment in the ties between you and I, I find it cruel that you cut it without even telling me.

I do have to backtrack for a bit and think, “have I ever done to that to others though? Have I abandoned friendships without telling them?”

A part of me is saying that if I do have pride and greed issues, the answer is yes. There is one lady who I can think of that used to be my co-worker at this place. She thinks that we are friends, even though I have done my hardest to avoid any communication with her as she constantly hits on me at work. I’m sorry, I am not attracted to a mid 40 year saggy woman (fuck me and forgive me for being brutally honest here) who dresses like a hoochie mama. Damn, that shit ain’t attractive. She will constantly write on my FB fan page that she is lamenting her lost friendship even though we never had one.

I honestly don’t think that counts though. But in a way it does because I don’t have the courage to tell her that we were never friends in the first place.

And that’s when I realize that the truth hurts. And that’s probably why the friends who I thought were my friends do that. They just can’t come about to tell it to me. It’s awkward. It’s hard. And most of all, it just plain sucks.

The only thing that makes sense to do is to treasure the links that I still have and to never take it for granted.

To finish this off, a great video that my friend Hanif sent me to cheer me up. It’s perfect.

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