Do We Die Alone?

In the end, do we die alone?

That question has been running through my head all of today after learning that a friend of mine took his own life and leaving a 5-page note signed with loneliness and despair. I became enraged and confused and asked “why?”

But I remember dark moments in my life,
times when this life of mine
meant nothing to me.

“if I ended my life right now, would I missed?”

Dark moments of several near-attempts
where I didn’t do it correctly
or I was too chicken to do it.

If people tell me God was there to save me from such mistakes,
why didn’t God save my friend?

For those of us still alive,
we need to tell the people we love
that we truly love them.
We need to not hold onto grudges
with the people that we fight with,
no matter how hard it is for your pride.

In the end, life is too short for such bullshit.

NPM 2012 #30: a stream that never runs dry

I think
while it is only natural I am concerned
about my own success and future
always wondering
if I’m gonna make it
if I’m gonna make it
if I’m gonna make it

I have to stop myself,
take a few deep breaths
as I look out beyond my own world
to continuously push myself
to give this love I have for me
and mine
to you and everyone I love,
to share whatever you may deem
valuable and helpful
whether it be my words,
whether it be my knowledge,
or whether it simply be my presence,
and expect nothing in return.

It is a challenge indeed
as I am not a perfect human being
I do get myself caught in the thinking
that if I put THIS much into the universe,
I should get THAT much back to me
and if you spit on my generosity
I will spit on you with something far more venomous
than my old kimchi and hamburger saliva
hurdling towards your ungrateful face.

After all
I must try to maintain positivity
in all aspects of my life
how I do anything
is how I do everything
how I treat others
even the ones I despise
is how I will eventually treat
the ones I love.

Everything is connected
in a weird, idontgetiteither sort of way
and if that is the case
I strive to keep myself open to love,
love for myself
but love for others,
a stream that never runs dry.