I’m not quite sure how to tell it to you
I’m not quite sure how to tell it myself
I’m not quite sure if it’s real or just imaginary
like many of my tendencies in life to create
hot air balloons of my feelings
and to actually call them true.
But when I think of you
when I talk to you
I have this very vague hazy blob,
a rather happy vague hazy blob,
that sits within me
that has been a part of me
for the course of many years
refusing to fade away
despite the passage of time
and the countless people
I become fascinated with.
when I come across you
that familiar blob comes roaring back
sitting upon my soul
as it becomes stronger and stronger
each time that I interact with you.
So I subconsciously
or maybe deliberately
limit all interactions
because after all
I must be reasonable
I must be realistic
I must focus on what is front of me
rather than what is not.
Yet why do I think of you
or use your name as an example
every time I have an exercise
in thinking about the one person
I would want to spend my life with
why do I think of you?
I’ve been doing this for 5 years.
Oh stupid Edward.
These are irrational, foolish thoughts
and they do me no good
since you are way over there
and I am way over here
and such confessions of thought
would be more likely be seen
as massive inconvenient thorns
rather than beautiful professions of love.
Oh shit, did I just fucking say love?
It’s not love.
No no no no
it can’t be.
I’m the type of guy who says words like these
far too easily and not truly mean it
and so I cannot say it for this
for it is just beyond ridiculous.
But then again, is it really?
it has been 5 years,
and I think 5 years is enough time
to let me tell myself
that this is no hot-air balloon
but a true and honest rock
that’s been covered with
the nasty molds of fear and rationality,
mold that grew under my own permission.
Because if I must be true to myself
if a magical genie that sounded like Robin Williams
came to me and asked for one wish
I know that one wish would be
is that I wish
I wish so much
that I could be where you are
or you could be where I am
that I wish for such a wish to actually be possible.
Trix are for kids.