Recovery

I’m not quite sure I can write
to the best of my ability
let my frazzled mind
take its load off
let it rest
let it breathe
let it think
let it create
let it just be.

But I can certainly try.

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Fire & Ice fever

There are fevers that you have
once in a while when the time is not right
that splits your head into two
makes your body go through
fire and ice
and unlike the Robert Frost poem
there’s nothing metaphoric or beautiful
about the pain you are suffering
right now
in this hell on earth.

The pain is so excruciating
that you can’t help but
revert back to your childhood memories
when your mother put a wet towel
over your burning feverish head
and watched over you for hours
hoping that her only son will feel better soon.

Facebook Disconnection

Maybe I’m just being too sensitive
Maybe I care too much
But when somebody deletes me
on this gigantic social network
called
Facebook
I get this gnawing feeling
that nibbles at me
like a squirrel nibbling on
a rotten apple pit core
that something is not right
and I can’t help but ask:
what the hell did I do wrong?

If this was real life
Where I’m looking at you
And you’re looking at me
Person to person
Physical distance and space
in between us
And we got into a huge fight
A fight so ugly, so tense
that it broke our friendship
it tore our friendship
it ripped our friendship
to the point
that our empathy
we had towards each other
was burned into ashes

That’s what I would call
a “de-friending” in the real world.

But for some reason
That’s what I feel
when somebody defriends me
on Facebook.

Now, I know what you’re thinking
It’s just Facebook
the vast impersonal social network
where connections you make
with each and every person
is as shallow as you
standing on a 3-ft shallow pool
and declaring that you’ve been
to the deepest depths of the ocean.

But dare I say
that each person I “add”
that I want to get to know
is a possibility that you may be
a friend
lover
lifesaver
sister-in-law
muse
inspirer
or an all around
wonderful
beautiful human being?

I may be asking too much
but seriously!
Goddamn it.

You may think of it as
just a simple disconnect
But I’ll be left here
wondering
what the hell did I do wrong?

Scream

I want to stand on top of a skyscraper
yell my unfulfilled lungs out
into the Los Angeles air
filled with combustible chaos,
uncertain hopes,
and dreams that could power
this city
for a millennium.

The Anchor

There are storms in this world
created not by forces of nature
but by forces of bitter emotions.
Forged by rage, hatred, and loneliness
storms that become permanent
once the individual who created the storm
dies unfulfilled and unloved.

Where I am now
I got sunny, warm beaches of
friendship and love,
calming winds of
stability and certainty,
my comfort zone
untroubled by
troublesome disasters
of doubt and self-hatred.

It wasn’t always like this.
It wasn’t always this sunny.

I had a storm of my own
where destruction
and hopelessness
awaited those who dared
to get close to me.

But like any storms that rage in the sea
There is the eye, the center
the one true place
where one could find calm and wait
the storm until it settled.
But as I took it upon myself
to find my own eye of the storm
I found a storm that was just like mine
that waited for me within that center.

As if things didn’t get confusing enough
I was in a storm within a storm
and the only way to negate this all
was to get to the core heart of the darkness.

It’s been so long ago that I only remember
fragments of glass memories
that reflect a hidden darkness I am
scared
shitless
to go back to.

But I do remember
I didn’t bring my anchor.

I sailed straight into
the maelstrom
the storm within my storm
the dark abyss
that was created
by this man’s death
his rage
his loneliness
his sadness
his fear
that nobody was out there to
guide him home.

I did no go in
Not by choice
not by desire
but to vanquish
the abyss within me.

As I was rocked by the storm
my ship threatening to tear itself apart
like hearts cracking from too much pain
I went on top of my mast
and foolishly screamed my identity
into the entrenched black air
the storm cleared
the sun shone through
and I felt within my body and soul
that it was a miracle to be alive
to feel reborn
to feel love in the air all around me.

I am content with this life.
The beaches are sunny
the winds are calm
I am content with this life
undisturbed
yet
unfulfilled.

As years went by
I realized
I need to go back.
I need to make this journey again
but this time I’m prepared.

Just to be safe
just to be secure
just to be sane
I brought an anchor
to keep me grounded
to help stay in place
with reality.
the place I once sailed to
many years ago.

I’m going back to where his storm once was
I’m going back to find his ship
I’m going back to find his body

The closer I get to the source
I know his storm will come back again
but I’m bringing my anchor
and this time, I will not budge.

The Freeflowing Poem

I’m gonna let my mind just go
Let my fingers do the talking
Let the mind just sit and wander
Wander and marvel at the beauty
That is my life right now.

My life is beautiful
My life is wonderful
My life is powerful
My life is my own to mold.

But I don’t got any pretenses
Any grand delusions of
a life I wish I could want
I got a life that I KNOW I want
Its worth undefinable
unbreakable
priceless
in every single way
In every single way but one

My life is way too expensive
For your sorry ass to try to
buy me out
Silence me out
Shut me out.

I got pride in my expensive life
But I need to make it richer
So much that the only one
who can ever buy this life of mine
is a divine being so fly
that He is not also a He
but also a She
and this fly divine being
holds more than one title
of God, Allah, Yahweh
and those are just the more popular ones.

There is so much to learn
knowledge to broaden
the fortress that is my mind
enriched with bridges
made with expert ease
to connect itself in all ways
to the heart.

There are so many people to meet
People to greet
People to shake hands
People to hug
People to love
People to make love to
People to cherish
People to remember.

So I’m gonna let my mind go
but I’m also gonna let my heart go
so I can live to learn
and learn to love.

Let’s Go

I just wanna feel accepted
can’t I just be accepted?
just wanna wake up to a simple day
a day without any struggle
but without struggle there is no passion
at this rate, will I ever be content?
but normal life is for suckas
for suckas who sit on their hands
let them sit, let them wander
i know i got a purpose that is worth fulfilling
but i can’t talk shit
i need to stop sitting on my own hands
so much potential, not enough action
the potential is growing
growing so enormously
all i need is a light

a light to ignite the flames