The Passenger

When I’m forced to make a difficult decision,
I used to be brash and make the hottest choice
Now,
I can’t help but be timid and not take reign
in fear that my hottest choice will burn me.

When I’m in a metaphorical train about to crash,
I used to be determined and jump out
Now,
I can’t help but be morbidly curious
to see how bad I get hurt
or whether I have any appendages of resilience left.

I have become a passenger of resignation
and to be honest,
it feels quite comfortable,
not taking any responsibility of my actions
or strenuously working to achieving my goals
that may never be accomplished.

But I hate myself when I’m like this
I’m sick and tired of daydreaming the life I want
and not working on ATTAINING the life I want to be have,
the woman I want to love,
the future I want to take,
the insecurities I want to break,
the man I want to be,
the vision I want to achieve.

But it’s hard to wrap myself around
abstract feel good terms of
“You Can Do It!”
“You’re a Champion!”
“Carpe ####### Diem!”
and actually make a difference
with a gigantic laziness monster
giving me seductive beers of apathy
and sitting on my legs at the same time.

I must motivate myself,
tap into my primal side of chaos,
and with the utterance of these words
shouted out aloud from this poem
take my breaths,
build that energy,
and then roar:

#### THIS GIGANTIC BEAST INTO OBLIVION!!

Demons

What are angels
other than magnificent?
We know them as
heavenly beings,
celestial beings of light,
the saviors to illuminate
our confused lost souls.

But this poem isn’t about them
No, this poem is for the ones
that we consider to be damned
the ones that angels are obligated to destroy
for they are
the darkness that grips us,
the ugliness that fester inside of us,
They are the demons
that live inside of us.

These demons are said to be responsible
for all the evil in this world,
the evil we not only inflict on others
but inflict on ourselves.

There are many demons
(too many to count)
but you may know some of them personally,
some you may know on first name basis
like Self-Hatred, Rage, and Lust,
or you may know their greener siblings
like Greed, Jealousy, and Gluttony.

Nobody loves these demons,
after all,
why should they?
They create the monsters
that walk amongst us
They create the lost hopes
that fade away from us.
If it weren’t for these demons,
we would be at eternal peace
and forever happy.

But if it weren’t for these demons
How would you know the true meaning of struggle?
How would you know what true meaningful love really is?
How would you know what iron-forged resolve tasted like?
How would you know what the human spirit is truly capable of
if it weren’t for these demons?

So look at your demons one more time
and instead of locking them away
and throwing them into the dungeons of your mind,
give them a gentle kiss on their foreheads
and tell them,
tell them that they are beautiful.

The Extraordinary Fire Within

Passing by
Day
to
Day
waiting
for
something
Extraordinary.

I drift in
I drift out
losing my soul sights gradually,
losing that slight spring in my step.

Napping through my fears,
Sleepwalking through my hesitations,
I walk with blurred purpose
waiting for
something
Extraordinary.

But my restless soul
throws me a kick
in the gonads
and I realize
that the fire I seek,
the fire to reignite me,
it does not exist.

The fire was always here
for it never stopped burning
The extraordinary never left me
for it is eternally within me.

Breaking Stubborn

When it comes to learning,
I am a severe blockhead,
my blocklike head
hollowed in my squirrel-like attention span,
but condensed by my pride
in defiantly knowing everything
(and actually knowing nothing.)

When I was a kid,
I learned how to play the violin
but I wanted to be a maestro
as soon as I laid my hands on it

I told myself:
Forget foundations or order!
Who needs that?

I want to be one of those
beautiful fast blitz violinists
because I want people to see
how beautiful I can be
because I don’t have time
to be the boring ordinary wallflower
that I see myself to be.

Maybe I will earn the respect
of my exasperated parents,
Maybe I will earn the love
of the pretty girl in my math class
Maybe I will be validated
Maybe I will be appreciated
Maybe I will be noticed

So I don’t have time
to sit through the basics.

But with my fear and ego left unchecked,
too afraid to embrace struggle,
too proud to admit humility,
I stumble horribly
in my stubborn impatience
and I am forced to realize
that I have my head
and heart
in the wrong place.

Years later,
I have yet to learn fully
from my childish violin days
as I wish to learn rapidly
in this maddening desire
of wanting to be an actor.

I want to be a bona fide talented actor,
pushing myself with challenging projects,
respected and revered by all,
not just seen as an Asian actor,
a Masi Oka-lookalike,
but an actor who stands on his own.

Once again,
I am impatient.

Once again,
I want it all now.

Once again,
I stumble.

This time,
instead of feeling sorry for myself
I pick myself up,
shake off my dusty vain embarrassment,
and push onward.

Fuzzy blanket

Winter is coming
the chill is in the air
and my two thin blankets
just won’t do.

So I went on a lazy tour
around the bustling super mall
filled to the brim with
frenzy minded holiday shoppers
I walked hummingly through them
looking for the perfect winter blanket.

There I found it
the perfect winter blanket
perched nicely in a cozy aisle
at a bright red Target store.

It was fuzzy to my touch
and it has enchanted me so for
fuzzy blanket captured my senses,
fuzzy blanket wooed my fingers,
fuzzy blanket warmed my heart,
fuzzy blanket came home with me.

I look forward to your embrace,
oh fuzzy wuzzy brown beauty.

A child of hibernation

When things don’t quite go my way
when I feel invalidated by the world
when I have been rattled by absolute forces
when I just can’t handle these adult responsibilities

I wrap myself in blankets
even though it’s not cold outside,
bake me a bowl of chocolate chip cookies
even though my stomach is completely full,
watch hours of television
even though I have a lot of work to do,
retreat into my childlike mentality
even though I am a fully grown adult.

I can’t help but retreat into myself
and become a child of hibernation.