A Cinnabontastic NPM – #20 Vulnerability

We are raised in a world
where we are told
that strength,
the kind the world will smile upon you for,
is found in the absence of tears,
the ignorance of your own demons,
and the valiant efforts
of an individual
who,
any cost,
must learn to smile
and not acknowledge the darkness from within.

That’s what I’ve been told for most of my youth.

Yet the demons that we hold at bay,
the exposed part of our selves
that we feel would make others
think of us less
respect us less
love us less
they are much part of us,
as the glorified pimped out cherubs
that the world would like to pat us on the back for
and tell us how smashing we are as contributing members
of our smiling social order.

This is what I believe now
that our vulnerability is our strength
that it is not a mark of shame that we must shun
but rather,
a newborn dragon with scales yet to form,
a dragon that will become our greatest asset
when nurtured and grown,
to make a stance in this world.

That we have a motherfucking dragon
in our hearts and in our souls
that breathes a fire so bright and hot
to create warmth in the coldness of
the cruelty we as people create around us.

So let me tell you what my dragon is made out of
and the scales that were built
upon the fearlessness of my acknowledgment
of all the things that once made me afraid
that makes me tremble with fear no longer.

When I bit a kid’s finger so hard that it cut into his bone at the age of 6 and found out how much anger I hold.
When I attempted to commit suicide at the age of 10 with a Swiss Army knife because I thought nobody loved me.
When I had to go through several years of anger management therapy and was nearly suspended.
When I almost wanted to kill my dad at 17 when I could not stand his alcoholic abuse.
When I hated everything there was to being Korean and this yellow skin I was born with.
When I unjustly inflicted all my rage and confusion on my girlfriend during high school year senior year.
When I found out I had a bond and could relate with the VA Tech shooter Seung Hui Cho.
When I came to accept that I had a massive amount of anger that could cause damage to myself or to others.
When I realized that my potential to be a great lover could not be reached until I found peace within myself.
When I still need to understand that I am a child in some ways when it comes to giving love to my partner.

With these scales and many more,
I have come to embrace that for this,
I chose the path I am now,
to express what I am.

That my unique experiences,
while unique to me and me alone,
share the thread of a deep-seated
universal common core,
so embedded within humanity
that I know I don’t stand alone
in the imperfections,
the flaws,
the darkness within,
the demons living amongst us,
that all of this,
they can be used for something greater
than any of our shiny polished angels
can ever give to the betterment
of our prime existence,
the reason to be,
the reason to draw a breath,
the reason to exist.

This I believe in.

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