A Cinnabontastic NPM – #9 Pee Clear, No Fear

My high school cross country coach
used to tell me
“pee clear, no fear”
as I made a life mistake
of thinking that running around in circles
could make me a better boyfriend
and a better lover to my girlfriend
(who unfortunately had to tolerate me)
back in those days.

Back when things didn’t matter as much
it was quite wonderful that the entirety of fear,
at least in my neurotic little mind,
could be singled out to not having clear pee
that life could be managed spectacularly
in a binary of yellow or clear.

My landlord graciously reminded me
that my pee was quite yellow today
and I am reminded that after 10 years
since I heard the pee chant from my coach
yelling in my ears
that I need to take care better of this temple
this temple that I treat more like a tent
that I hastily bought from Target
thinking that if this doesn’t work
I can just get another one with refund.

But as I still stare at the fading rashes
still lingering throughout my arms and legs
I am reminded that this is the only body I got
that it’s not possible to push it to its extreme
and burden it with a load of stress
taking on this task, taking on that
sleeping past 3am
doing absolutely nothing important whatsoever
being so hard on myself
for all the things I have yet to accomplish
and comparing myself to others who have done more
and then being hard on myself for being hard on myself.

Fear is still running around inside me somewhere
that I hide quite magnificently within a cover of productivity,
an engine that I built for myself to keep itself running
even when there is no fuel
for the fear that when everything stops
I have nothing to show for myself
nothing to prove
nothing to give
that I am only a collection of accomplishments
and what I can give to others
nothing
nothing
absolutely nothing.

In times like these,
I must remember to tell myself
that I am a being defined not by my actions
but by merely simply existing,
that if I took away every single thing I have ever achieved,
all my talents, all my abilities,
that I am still able to look at myself
and tell myself that I am worthy.

In times like these,
I must remember to slow everything down
and let my mind and heart go
let my words speak freely
with no restrictions or blocks
that I can still be true to myself
no matter how ridiculous I may sound or be.

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