Role Model

All throughout my childhood
I asked myself this one regretful question:

“Why can’t I have a cool dad?”

Now I don’t mean the cool kind,
the kind where he’s hip with the times
or into the latest trends of our world,

No.

But the kind of dad
who doesn’t scream at me
when I didn’t understand his question,
the kind of dad
who doesn’t beat me
when I don’t comply to his demands.

I honestly
can’t think of
a single good memory
that has him in it.

Rather
I only hold sour crates
of memories much rather forgotten,
each and every one of them
a reminder that my dad is like
playing Minefield:

Tread lightly,
make careful logical choices,
one small error,
and it’s game over.

Except this game over
is a vicious stab into your confidence,
and a possible ominous forecast
that this is the man you will grow up to be.

I see why mom dumped his sorry fucking ass,
if I were in her worn out tired shoes,
I would’ve done it thrice over.

I would also have
Smashed his face into a brick wall
and
Stomped on his spine
Just to cause him absolute agony,
and perhaps I would even

I’m sorry.
I’m being carried away in my mother’s shoes.
I know that this is something I wish to do at times,
even though this isn’t proper civilized behavior.

But I can’t help myself because
my dad is in a way
a role model
but in every way of a man I do not want to be
and when I see elements of him within me,
I freak out in absolute horror,
fraught with concern that I am doomed to be
a miserable, lonely man who lashes out
at the unfortunate world around him.

One day,
when I have a son or daughter,
I wish to raise them so that they will ask themselves:

“Why can’t more dads be cool like mine?”

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4 comments

  1. theloveproj · December 18, 2011

    i like this, a lot. I’m sorry about your dad- but at least you’ve learned what NOT to do, still an important lesson nonetheless :-/

  2. Susie Gutierrez · December 18, 2011

    Despite his horrible treatment of you, you’ve shown that you have the courage to go after your dreams and that you can succeed, so be proud!!
    -Susie

  3. theunemployedgal · December 18, 2011

    First time replying here. I want to say that I empathize with your situation. I too, have a father who was like yours, except his words carried more negative abuse than physical. The wounds have since healed now that I am older and have stood up for myself. You are an intelligent, strong minded person; it’s a gift no one can take from you. Continue to show resilience and you’ll overcome any challenges that you may face!

  4. bitofabelly81 · December 18, 2011

    How comforting to know that if you do detect even the slightest bit of your father in yourself, you react immediately to correct it. So many people have used the excuse that since their parent(s) treated them a certain way, they had no choice but to follow tradition and bestow the same “courtesy” on their children. Life is all about choices. And you’ve chosen to not be like your father. You’ll be just fine 🙂

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