Breaking Stubborn

When it comes to learning,
I am a severe blockhead,
my blocklike head
hollowed in my squirrel-like attention span,
but condensed by my pride
in defiantly knowing everything
(and actually knowing nothing.)

When I was a kid,
I learned how to play the violin
but I wanted to be a maestro
as soon as I laid my hands on it

I told myself:
Forget foundations or order!
Who needs that?

I want to be one of those
beautiful fast blitz violinists
because I want people to see
how beautiful I can be
because I don’t have time
to be the boring ordinary wallflower
that I see myself to be.

Maybe I will earn the respect
of my exasperated parents,
Maybe I will earn the love
of the pretty girl in my math class
Maybe I will be validated
Maybe I will be appreciated
Maybe I will be noticed

So I don’t have time
to sit through the basics.

But with my fear and ego left unchecked,
too afraid to embrace struggle,
too proud to admit humility,
I stumble horribly
in my stubborn impatience
and I am forced to realize
that I have my head
and heart
in the wrong place.

Years later,
I have yet to learn fully
from my childish violin days
as I wish to learn rapidly
in this maddening desire
of wanting to be an actor.

I want to be a bona fide talented actor,
pushing myself with challenging projects,
respected and revered by all,
not just seen as an Asian actor,
a Masi Oka-lookalike,
but an actor who stands on his own.

Once again,
I am impatient.

Once again,
I want it all now.

Once again,
I stumble.

This time,
instead of feeling sorry for myself
I pick myself up,
shake off my dusty vain embarrassment,
and push onward.


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