(I’m)perfect

I have dreams that haunt me constantly
dreams that I wish to be someone else
someone who is me
but not quite like me
someone who is more
talented
kind
amazing
beautiful
charming
cheerful
confident
smooth
patient

unforgettable.

So I play time travelling memory tricks with my head
and I revisit sections of my past
I revisit each time I reach a new checkpoint in my life
when I graduated from high school
I would revisit my high school days
to see how I could be more popular
when I graduated from college
I would revisit my college days
to see how I could be more loved.

Even now, when I’m making a living here in LA
I would revisit my 8 months so far here
to see how I could be more influential.

I do this constantly because
I have always seen myself as the outsider looking in
the awkward boy who couldn’t get comfortable in his skin
the loner who struggles to try fit in anywhere
the desperate fighter who fights for people to remember him
the sad soul who just wants people to love him.

These dreams keep coming back to me
whether asleep or in my waking state
and when they do, it reminds me
how very unhappy I am with my life
and kills all my momentum to make progress.

But on one spontaneous rainy day
when I was driving back home
at half past twilight
surrounded by beaming mechanical lights
who were rushing to go back home
or go to another club to forget the day
I had an instant revelation that spoke to me
that told me everything that has happened
all my awkward phases
all my heartaches
all my failures
all my disasters
all my struggles
they’ve made me who I am today
they’ve made me the honest passionate stubborn man
a man who has a huge heart and will drive himself crazy
when the world is full of anger and injustice.

The past that I keep looking back on
I realize I do this constantly
because I keep seeing myself imperfect
as if I’m trying to edit my life
as if it were a film
trying to erase all my sound jumps,
clean up my cigar burn holes,
and fine tune my sloppy editing.

The story cannot be changed
for it is the story of my life
with all its blemishes and mishaps
the imperfection that simply makes me
perfect.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s