The Anchor

There are storms in this world
created not by forces of nature
but by forces of bitter emotions.
Forged by rage, hatred, and loneliness
storms that become permanent
once the individual who created the storm
dies unfulfilled and unloved.

Where I am now
I got sunny, warm beaches of
friendship and love,
calming winds of
stability and certainty,
my comfort zone
untroubled by
troublesome disasters
of doubt and self-hatred.

It wasn’t always like this.
It wasn’t always this sunny.

I had a storm of my own
where destruction
and hopelessness
awaited those who dared
to get close to me.

But like any storms that rage in the sea
There is the eye, the center
the one true place
where one could find calm and wait
the storm until it settled.
But as I took it upon myself
to find my own eye of the storm
I found a storm that was just like mine
that waited for me within that center.

As if things didn’t get confusing enough
I was in a storm within a storm
and the only way to negate this all
was to get to the core heart of the darkness.

It’s been so long ago that I only remember
fragments of glass memories
that reflect a hidden darkness I am
scared
shitless
to go back to.

But I do remember
I didn’t bring my anchor.

I sailed straight into
the maelstrom
the storm within my storm
the dark abyss
that was created
by this man’s death
his rage
his loneliness
his sadness
his fear
that nobody was out there to
guide him home.

I did no go in
Not by choice
not by desire
but to vanquish
the abyss within me.

As I was rocked by the storm
my ship threatening to tear itself apart
like hearts cracking from too much pain
I went on top of my mast
and foolishly screamed my identity
into the entrenched black air
the storm cleared
the sun shone through
and I felt within my body and soul
that it was a miracle to be alive
to feel reborn
to feel love in the air all around me.

I am content with this life.
The beaches are sunny
the winds are calm
I am content with this life
undisturbed
yet
unfulfilled.

As years went by
I realized
I need to go back.
I need to make this journey again
but this time I’m prepared.

Just to be safe
just to be secure
just to be sane
I brought an anchor
to keep me grounded
to help stay in place
with reality.
the place I once sailed to
many years ago.

I’m going back to where his storm once was
I’m going back to find his ship
I’m going back to find his body

The closer I get to the source
I know his storm will come back again
but I’m bringing my anchor
and this time, I will not budge.

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